Emotional Train Ride

Usually if someone’s emotions are on tracks, they’re that of a roller coaster. Not me. My emotions are on train tracks.

It seems that many people that are TTC have major highs and lows that go along with their ride, but for me, it’s been pretty steady. I do want to mention that this is in no way a judgement of people who are on a roller coaster, but simply an observation of my experience. My philosophy is very much “to each his/her own” and I know that there is no “right” or “wrong” way to feel about the mild-to-wild ride of TTC. I just have been pleasantly surprised that I haven’t been too hard on myself, and haven’t had my heart broken (yet) by what I know will ultimately boil down to my own expectations. 

The thing that I think has kept me on a pretty level track is that I knew going into TTC that it was likely that I would have issues. I was diagnosed with PCOS a little late in the game- a lot of girls find out when they’re teens that they have this syndrome, but I was in my mid 20’s before I had an understanding of what was going on. I had never had a regular cycle, but instead of finding out or explaining why when I was 18, my doctor just suggested birth control. I was on BC for almost 10 years before I quit taking it 6 months prior to TTC. Even though I was on BC and would more-often-than-not use a second form of protection, missed/late periods frequently sent me into a frenzy, thinking maybe I was PG. It wasn’t until the last year or two, when I knew that I would be trying to get my baby maker in shape, that I really found out how it affected my hormones and fertility.

I can imagine that some women might have their first pregnancy test experience when they are hoping for a positive, but I have been on that train for a while. Waiting for the morning to test and the two minutes for the thing to process is more like a bumpy patch of tracks, not the nerve-wracking click-click-click climb up a hill. Now when I get a negative, it’s more like a bend in the tracks instead of a giant drop on a roller coaster. Even though I’m now hoping for a positive, I’ve crossed my fingers for, and got, that negative so many times that it doesn’t really carry that big of a sting. My only real anticipation is knowing if I’m testing at the right time… I never (and fear that I will never) know when I’m ovulating. I still get days where I have “a case of the sads” where I feel like maybe it’s not going to happen for me. Since I started out knowing that maybe it wouldn’t, it seems that it doesn’t hit me as hard. I can only imagine how hard it would have been to find out about these issues after we’d been trying, unsuccessfully, to get knocked up.

Since we started trying I’ve had my best friend give birth to her first, and four other close friends announce their pregnancies, and my train has kept chugging along, no stops or drops or delays. I’m genuinely happy and excited for all of my pals, and want to be a part of their joy. It may be that we’re still in our first year of trying (we’re going into month 10), but seeing ultrasounds and swollen bellies hasn’t gotten to me yet. Did it make me do a double take when other people say they were getting worried when it took 3 months to get pregnant? Sure, a little. But I  know that if I had gotten pregnant right away I would have been as excited as they are. I also have friends that I know have been on their own personal roller coasters with high highs and low lows for years and suffered losses that I have yet to experience, so their pregnancies are like a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel. 

I feel like my train is leading to an amusement park, that my TTC journey is my husband and I together, waiting til our stop to get off at the station and get on a roller coaster. We know what to expect with my PCOS and the related diet and lifestyle changes. A pregnancy will be the trill-ride.

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