Hope vs. Logic

If I were to re-do Wade Hayes’ song, instead of  “old enough to know better, but still too young to care,” it’d be “Sensible enough to know better, but still so desperate to conceive.”

I know better, but I still let my mind get the best of me. Hopeful thoughts run wild, even though the practical, logical side of me tries to reign them in. Different scenarios related to my PCOS/TTC (or are completely unrelated, but I think maybe, possibly, perhaps it could be…) come up and I just can’t help to think that things are turning around. But they haven’t so far.

For example:

I notice some spotting. First reaction: It must be implantation bleedng. Has it been 6-12 days since we had sex? Maybe I ovulated and didn’t realize it. It must be. Yay I might be pregnant! Reality sets in: Nope. Just starting my period.

– I’m really gassy. And ugh, my boobs hurt.  First reaction: Oh I’ve read these are early pregnancy symptoms. It may just be too early to test. I’ll try again in a few days. Yay I might be pregnant! Reality sets in: Damn you PMS!

– I am so emotional. I haven’t been this emotional in MONTHS. First reaction: My hormones are going wild! Yay I might be pregnant! Reality sets in: My hormones are going wild because the Metformin is finally lowering my androgen and testosterone balancing them out with the estrogen. I’m supposed to feel this way.

My period is really light. Like barely there. First reaction: This might be like those ladies on “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” (side note: I blame that show for most of this!) This could be period-like-but-not-a-period. Maybe my hCG is too low to read on the test. Yay I might be pregnant!  Reality sets in: It’s just a light period. Like you have all the time. 

I am starving. Constantly. NEED. MORE. FOOD. First reaction: My activity levels haven’t changed much, and I’m getting enough sleep… Am I burning more energy growing a little human? Yay I might be pregnant! Reality sets in: I don’t stay full long on this low-amylose diet. Remember you need to eat more small meals throughout the day!

– My pets are always wanting to lay on my lap/belly. (I told you the logic isn’t strong) First reaction: Maybe this is one of those weird animal things they can sense before I can. They want to be close to me and the baby. Yay I might be pregnant! Reality sets in: They just want to snuggle. They’re attention whores.

That’s all I can think of for now, but I’m sure you get the drift. I constantly am full of hope, but logic keeps reminding me that these things are happening to me ALL THE TIME, even though each month it feels like a brand new symptom. I’ve taken hundreds of pregnancy tests with a negative result each time, so even though I hope for a positive, I’m ready to get the same ‘ol result. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that one day my scenario will be more like:

I feel like I’m pregnant. First reaction: Again? You always feel like you’re pregnant. Reality sets in: you are!!

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9 thoughts on “Hope vs. Logic

  1. Oh man, this is too funny (in a sad sort of way) but I relate sooo much. Especially the “I-have-my-period-but-might-still-be-pregnant” lol. No logic ha ha. I can’t turn off my crazy thoughts.

  2. I can so totally relate!! I actually just went through something similar because my stupid period decided to show up 5 days late. And even though I check and double checked so that I KNEW there was seriously less than zero chance – I mean, literally, nothing short of immaculate conception would’ve made a BFP even remotely possible – I STILL thought…oh please, please. Just this once. But no, just more of the same – more pain, more heartache, more CRAP. If you haven’t read this already, I think you’ll love this:
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kathryn-kefauver-goldberg/dear-fertility-doctor-what-i-wish-you-knew-about-infertility_b_4643835.html

    • I hadn’t, thanks for the link! My next doc appt is in about a month, and I’m dreading that ultrasound wand! My husband was working during my last appt so I also am wondering how that is going to be with him in the room, haha.

      • Omg that wand, seriously. We had an RE we stopped seeing for a variety of reasons – including an incident with the wand that was left there even after the whole thing was supposed to be over, and the reply was “oh, do you want me to take this out?” NO, PLEASE, keep impaling me with this thing while my husband pretends not to be the least bit uncomfortable and I’m trying to ignore the fact that I feel like I’m being violated in the name of science. UNREAL. Hopefully you’ve got a better doc! LOL

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