When you can’t follow a calling…

Something has been weighing heavy on my mind for the last couple of days and I don’t really know where else to put it, but thought this might be the place because this is where I shared my other fertility related tales. If you have any advice to offer, it is of course welcome, but not my main motivation for writing this. I need to get it out. I need to put it out in the universe so I can hopefully start to come to terms with reality.

In all honesty, I always secretly judged people who “felt a calling” to do something. I had never had that feeling; the notion that an outside desire could influence your life was foreign to me. Even motherhood didn’t feel like a calling to me- I always knew I wanted to be a mother and it was my designated “#1 goal in life,” but I never felt that calling it a calling was necessary. Perhaps because it is a common thing? A lot of people want to be parents, as rewarding as it is it isn’t exactly special or revolutionary.

Before I got pregnant, I did feel a calling to adopt, and I still think that is a viable and likely path for our family. I know I want more children, but I don’t know if I want to go through the rounds of failed fertility treatments and roller coaster highs and lows of waiting and testing, and trying again to have another child of my own.

BUT… I do want to do those things again… for someone else.

“Wait, what?!”

Although I’m not sure that I want to go through treatments to have another biological child, I’ve been feeling compelled to be a gestational surrogate. I would LOVE to be able to carry and deliver a child for a couple that cannot. I discussed it with my husband, who graciously and selflessly said he would support me through whatever process that entailed if it was something that I wanted. I started researching agencies and, to my dismay, hit a roadblock.

I don’t qualify.

I know regulations and rules and guidelines and whatever are all out there for a reason. I know I don’t qualify for good reasons (anxiety, state of residency, etc), people making this investment want a fully healthy woman to carry their child to minimize any risks to their child, and the agency doesn’t want the liability of furthering any heath conditions by facilitating a pregnancy in a woman without a perfect bill of health. My challenge now is dealing with the reality of this situation. I have to figure out how to get this desire out of my heart and mind.

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